My recent experience of grieving. Love through the veil

22 May 2019

A very big part of me just wanted to skip this and move on with my usual course of work, because «I'm not ready to talk about this topic the ways it deserves» and «I am still processing this, too raw and incomplete». And even «This was not in my content plan».

But it became very clear to me that the only way forward - while remaining true to myself - was through sharing about this, in all my messiness, with my emotions and human imperfections.

I believe there is a better, more loving and healing way of facing deaths of our loved ones. A way that requires being more conscious, more open minded and even more fearless, but which helps us go through this challenge with less heartbreak, more strength and more truth to it.

I feel that as souls we are tired of suffering, becoming depressed and fearful. We wish to have more understanding, more grace and more connection to those we love, alive or passed away. We want to feel happier, embrace life and see gifts in all life events.

I feel we are ready to shift our consciousness around loss and grieving.

I have already written about about this topic in Russian, using the term "Love through the veil". I believe that our love can reach out through any veils. We are never truly separate.

Check out my previous work here and here (links to automatic translation from Russian).

Today I will share what new things I understand about transitions of our loved one now. I will also talk about what I did to prepare for the transition of a beloved family member and how I have been dealing with my grief since.

Since about the end of March my dear grandma - who was my friend, a very like minded person, a partner in crime and who loved me like her daughter - started to weaken slowly, yet swiftly. On 11th of May in the morning, Ukrainian timezone, she left her human body. She died.

I was preparing for her upcoming passing all April, witnessing how her spirit was preparing to leave. I can't explain how I understood this, but I knew that she was stepping out of her body & life more and more, while occasionally coming back for a brief moment.

When we were preparing for her transition - it was one part of the journey. And when she passed, much sooner than we expected, a whole new other journey started for us, me and my family. However, it has been one process and even quite smooth and gradual. This gave us, relatives, time to become aware, feel some of our feelings and even do somethings differently than before.

it's been only 11 days since her death. But it is already clear to me how much of an impact this is having on my life.

I am discovering that someone's death can have so many layers and dimensions.

On one hand, grandma's passing makes total sense from the linear logic of human lives.

She was almost 88 years old, she had an interesting life, quite full of challenges, including health issues. She also had joys, love and was loved. She could take care of herself up to several months prior to her passing and was relatively conscious 12 hours before her death. This is very lucky. And also, you have to die some days at least from old age, right? What more could you ask of life?

On another level, my soul feels that she has left because our soul contract was completed and it was also part of the plan for her to transition before me.

On the whole other level, we were so close, so much like friends and also like sisters, like mother-daughter, like trustworthy friends - that it f**king does not make any sense for my spirit to say goodbye to her. We were having fun. She loved living. She was curious. We love each other so much. Why can't we go on forever?

And also, from one more perspective: her passing was a gift, a blessing, an expression of Love - to us left behind, for sure and, quite probably, for her too.

I know in the depth of my being that all of these layers of her transition make sense in the bigger scheme of things. I pray to understand it more.

Also, the way I call my writings on this topic «Love through the veil»... Well, from Russian the name of my grandma translates as «Love» and we are now connecting definitely through that very same veil.

When I suddenly got this metaphor several days ago, I got chills, deep kind of chills.

So, here is what I did to cope with her human journey ending and my journey continuing.

To sum it all up, I was doing my best to move through this process as a human and at the same time to hold a higher vibration remembering about souls, incarnations, trusting life, etc.

Prior to grandma's passing and afterwards I did all the normal human stuff - crying, praying, talking to family members, worrying about everything, while also trying to take care of me, so I don't fall apart.

I had private sessions with one of my mentors, so she could offer me support, so I could survive through this. I asked for prayers and good vibes in my community.

I consciously was choosing to living my life at the same time too, doing things towards my dreams and for my soul. Universe sent me a client to work with, even though I was on pause with work. The session with this client might have helped me more than them. For a day I connected stronger to my life purpose.

Through the whole process I kept meditating on our soul plan and why this might be good for us. Receiving some answers calmed me down a bit.

Also I have been asking myself: what this is inviting me to do differently now? Where I am to shift, heal, step up, grow up, open up? What do I need to admit?

I paid attention to my boundaries and looked at my codependency habits. I am still trying to figure how I can fully allow myself to live, when a beloved person can't do that anymore.

And there are things I did in my relationship with my grandma.

I did my best to connect soul to soul to her, while talking to her. I did it on days when she was more like herself and understood me. I talked about things from the soul perspective: who we are uniquely, her and I, what is her gift to our family, what I am grateful for, that we love each so much, that we might have had other lives together. I did my best to encourage her to not be afraid going forward and remember I am with her in my soul.

Don't be mistaken, I was often crying all over the place when I was doing this talking, but true words do have power anyway.

I did my best to say all I felt important to say to her. I am blessed that there were very few things unsaid between us.

Prior to her transition, I also started talking to her spirit directly, when I was on my own. I said important things, out loud and in my mind. I trusted that her soul would receive my words and some news I needed to share with her specifically.

About 12 hours prior to her passing I felt an energy of shock descending on my psyche. I tried to reason myself out of it, move my body to release the tension, did some house cleaning to clear out the energy. Yet I was clearly in an altered state of reality. I was not surprised when I received news in the morning.

I stayed in a different kind of shock for couple of next days. Thanks to it, I was able to sleep well the first night and organize my life to travel to another country for the funeral.

When grandma left her body, I did my best to keep connecting to her soul. I reminded myself that her soul is eternal and continued talking to her.

«Babulya, we love you, you are a soul, thank you for being close-by now, it's ok to move on, when you are ready, thank you for all your love, I love you so so very much».

Occasionally I would call out to her crying, asking and hoping she comes near me at that time, so I would feel her. Some times I felt her, some times not.

During all the funeral ceremonies I kept checking if I felt her and what she might be doing or feeling. I didn't allow myself to be too focused on her dead body. Thank god, it was surprisingly easy for me. Grandma I knew was not there. Maybe standing next to me, but definitely not within that dear left behind body.

I trusted my imagination to keep seeing her in her bigger form, as a soul, an eternal spirit.

Also I paid attention to my physical reality and asked myself what is my duty this time with my family member's transition. In my soul I felt that I needed to participate in choosing things for the ceremony and share the physical and emotional work necessary. It felt good to be grown-up proactively and do these scary things. Not only the spiritual stuff.

I also trusted my imagination, when I got visions. I felt peace when one week after her passing I got an image about her reconnecting with her beloved husband. Or when several days after that I «imagined» her telling me that she now understand something better from where she is than in her human life.

I don't know if these visions was 100% true, but the relief it gave my heart was far too significant to doubt it too much. I am looking forward to new «images».

I voiced out loud my visions as much as it felt respectful to others - what I felt about her. Some visions felt private, some felt like they were meant to be shared.

When I came back home from her funeral, I went through an intense inner conflict. It was only resolved when I accepted that I might always feel my grandma close by and never let her go. It doesn't mean I am going crazy or not grieving properly. I am simply choosing to move forward the way it doesn't hurt my soul more than necessary.

During the recent Full Moon nights, I went outside and used simple shamanic tools like burning herbs, lighting candles, talking to the Moon. I talked to every spirit I needed talking to, praying for grandma's ongoing journey and for our healing. I sat on the ground in my backyard and looked at the stars too. I lay on the ground face down and cried, of course, too. Thank god, grandma, you chose May, I really need sitting on the ground at this time.

My grandma loved the work of Louise Hay, who herself has transitioned couple of years ago. So I asked the spirit of Louise to help my grandma in her journey. It felt really good and oddly calming to me.

I participated in Christian and local rituals which felt good and right enough for me. I learnt that sometimes following traditional way soothes you, gives you space to process things and do at least something in order to feel better.

I also keep reminding myself to have an open mind, so I can further understand why this happened and why this way. Why grandma had to die. And what it all means. I hope to much better comprehend it one day.

And also, with some difficulty, I am accepting more and more the shift which came with her passing. I'm looking at things where I need to grow up, which illusions to give up, which things shift in my understanding.

I am still very much in this process. Tough stuff, because it actually requires growth.

So, this is where I am at now. I am grieving still, I am avoiding some stuff still too. I am facing some other stuff.

But I try to keep choosing Love which connects us all, veil or no veil.

I will keep burning herbs at night for some time probably.

I don't know if I will ever be done with my grief.

One more thing about me and my grandma.

Our love towards each other is stronger than illusions of life. Much stronger. Makes this whole death thing almost irrelevant.

Love you so much, my dear soul friend, my grandma. I still feel your loving gaze when you were looking at me 2 weeks ago. It is still vibrating in my body.

Thanks for signing up to die before I did, grandma. And thanks to my soul that I agreed to this. It feels like it was necessary.

And I will keep talking to you, dear grandma. This veil is not that thick.

And maybe I will help other people talk to their loved ones too. So our hearts finally start to heal from this pain...



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